Category Archives: Seahawk Satire

Wishing for Warmth

      There has been a gasoline shortage in Maine due to the cold temperatures this past few weeks. With a low of -50 degrees fahrenheit, the majority of gas pumps in Maine have frozen leaving the gasoline trapped inside. This epidemic has come close to home hitting both Irving and the Good n’ You gas station in Boothbay Harbor. A “concerned” citizen told our reporters “I payed for my gas at Irving and the darn thing was froze! So I went in for a refund, ‘cuz I ain’t gonna give ‘em no money for free, and the darn clerk wouldn’t give it to me! Now my darn truck won’t move ‘cuz she ain’t got any gas!”

      Here are some tips to help keep your truck running through these freezing times: pour one part antifreeze into every ten parts gasoline in your truck, start a tire fire whenever the car is parked to prevent the tires from freezing to the ground, and make sure to keep any windows open in order to let in the maximum amount of warm sun to heat your truck at all times.

       Although gas is freezing, some good news has come from these frigid temperatures. Boothbay Harbor is now on the map as the coldest town in the Western Hemisphere, surpassing Midlofnoware, Antarctica by just two degrees. Due to this record, Boothbay Harbor can expect a new source of tourism with new exhibits such as “Coldest Sidewalk,” “Most Frigid Tree,” and the already world famous “Right Chilly But Not Quite Frozen Water”. To see these exhibits and many more, simply take a stroll through downtown Boothbay Harbor for a small fee of twenty dollars.

Glass of 2018

The current class of 2018 at Boothbay Region High School is rumored to have been scheming up a controversial idea for a fundraiser.

      Current seniors at BRHS are planning to rake in massive profits by opening a window repair store. The plan is that by opening an actual business the class will be able to benefit more from this one store than with however many tiny fundraisers they hold. But why choose a store that specializes in replacing glass? Page Brown, current President of the class of 2018, stated in an interview, “Our class unanimously decided on a window repair store because with all of the stores downtown, there are thousands of windows. If, for instance, in some ‘freak accident’ or ‘storm’ all of them break, the businesses will be forced to turn to us for a speedy repair.” The entire class seems to be heavily relying on some destructive force going through downtown. This could either give them a large payout, or become a large let down if the class invests in the store and does not receive any business in return.

      The class is currently on track to rent a space downtown by January 10th. That will give the class enough time to furnish and open by the start of spring. Some members of the class speculate that the store should be opened by January 10th instead of only the space being rented by then. Hailey Greenleaf, a member of the class of 2018, has voiced “We need to at least be open for the end of winter because that is prime window breaking season. Think about it. It’s cold, glass is brittle, and it’s easy for a stray snowball that accidentally contains rocks or ice to hit a window.” While this could help generate more money, the class would have to go all in and spend nearly all of the class’ funds on the store. This would eliminate the safety net if the store flops. Is it worth the risk? Will the class be able to decide on a date to open the store? Will the store actually pull in profits, or at least “break” even?

      Only time will reveal the answers to these questions. But one thing is certain: the class of 2018 will be opening a glass repair store in early 2018.

Editor Note: Scripters would like to ensure readers that this piece is merely satire and no legal actions are necessary. 

Mathletes Strike Again

The Boothbay Math Team had their third meet last week in Rockland already. Top scorers for Boothbay were Connor Demmons (52) (holy darn!!), Sam Betts (35), and Max Hoecker (27). Boothbay came in fourth in the meet.

For the 2016-17 season, Boothbay is in a low seventh place with 457 total points, trailing local rival Lincoln Academy by a mere 345 points placed in second. “You know, we are in a low right now as a team, mentally and emotionally. As a crucial member of the team, I plan on raising my team’s emotions just before we all sit silently for twelve minutes and do some dank math,” said Griffin Kane, an avid senior mathlete who said he plans on joining the 2017-18 math team as an assistant coach to the Gilchrists.

Boothbay Juniors make up a majority of the math team. In the Central Maine Math League, Connor Demmons (121) is in third, Max Hoecker (79) is in eleventh, Kyle Alley (31) is in thirty first, and Hailey Greenleaf (29) is in thirty second overall. When inquiring non-mathletes why they have not joined already, many anonymous members spoke of the overwhelming “clique” state of the team of juniors as well as finding no time on Wednesday afternoons to come to the practices because of their prescheduled “lavender bubble baths.”

Math Team practices are on Wednesdays from 1:45 pm to 2:45 pm. Come join the team and attend the next meet on January 25th and enjoy some magical snacks!!

Boothbay First Down 9-4 You’ll Never Believe How They Made Their Comeback!

Boothbay brought home the W Friday night feeding a big ol’ L to the Mountain Valley Falcons.  In the first game of the Lady Seahawks’ season, the team ventured up to the beautiful town of Rumford, and even though they had to shake off the rust in the beginning of the game, they put a smackin’ on the Falcons, beating them with a crazy high score of 43-23.  In the first quarter of the game, the ladies were trailing 9-4, but in a time-out, Junior captains, Kate Clarke and Nicole Friant, put a fire under the team saying, “This is our time! We will not lose like this!!!”  Apparently, this rousing speech worked, encouraging Boothbay to score the next 22 points and take the lead by the fourth quarter 31-17.  Senior, Page Brown, was the team’s leading scorer racking up a prodigious 17 points.  After this seraphic game, Boothbay made the long trip home and later took on Madison Stahle December 12.